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It tears at me! She was very religious, and I am fairly religious. She was a christian, and I am a messianic jew. I watch religious programming on TV regularly. I watch Shabbat services on Friday nights reform Judaism and Sunday messianic services. I watch Talmud study regularly. I am trying to study Hebrew, and work on secular professional development classes, and more IT graduate work to keep busy along with working full-time as a teacher and tech director for a small private boarding school I have missed at least five weeks of work during this horrible situation, and it is causing me trouble at work.

I will need to do extra professional development just to stay afloat anyway, and remain competitive. People friends and relatives have told me that God will judge and punish the man who killed my mother. I do not blame God, and I know that he will serve justice. I know that one should be just as thankful to God during terrible times as in good times. The man that hit my mother just got off Scott free with manslaughter, and has literally destroyed my family, ruined my life to a certain degree, and he is very smug about it!!!

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He knows that he got by with it. He drives away in his new truck that was written off as a business expense anyway , and my mother is DEAD thanks to him!!!!! To top it all off, the damn insurance company is actually making it harder for medicare, etc. I feel like I am being hit on all sides. I know that it will all be straightened out eventually, but I am in hell now.


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Also, I have to admit that sometimes I wish that I had died in the accident along with mother. I keep on going through life, but nothing matters or seems as meaningful as it once did.

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I am an only child, and I am all alone now. My father preceded my mother in death eight years ago with terminal cancer. I am not very old 48 years old , but I know more dead people than I do living. I can literally ride down the road to my house from work, and count off at least ten or fifteen dead friends and relatives. I walk into a house full of warm memories from the past That seem like a cruel mockery now.

I look at abandoned homes, businesses, etc. I feel like the living dead, but I cover it up with a warm smile while I work and interact with a world that I no longer feel a true part of. I am becoming more and more of an oddly religious nihilist. The secular world means next to nothing to me. As a matter of fact, my life is very structured, conservative ,etc. The world feels corrupt to me. Honestly, I will not hasten going to it In Talmud study, I learned that it is a mitzvah to take care of oneself , but I honestly look forward to the next life more than I look forward to any given new day in this world.

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I feel like I belong on the other side now more than I do here. I enjoy studying, and graduate work helps, but it is not a replacement for all of the people I have lost. I minored in philosophy in college as an undergraduate. I have worked in special schools with psychiatrists, and I am familiar with the works of Viktor Frankl. Grieving the loss of my own mother. Its been two months.

She was terminally Ill but the end was traumatic and has left me with a lot of questions and complicated feelings. I came across your story and I just want you to know I think that guy is a giant piece of shit. Everyone involved in mishandling your paperwork at the insurance company can also go straight to hell. Thats not fair. Thats not ok. And I dont know how you move on from that. Grieving is hard enough and having to fight for justice on top of it is beyond stressful. I hope you find strength and that their businesses fail.

I was worried about but gave him a few more days to grieve. I left his house and I never stop worrying about him I take him food over with a note and leave it at his front door and ring door bell and walk away.

I guess what I am asking is do you think I doing the right thing by staying in life and doing things for him and being invisible to him so he can have space and still see I am there and I care. Did he really me to say what he did to me about chemistry? What does this mean or what should I do.

I am can tell you that when someone has a loss like that they cannot think of anyone else.

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Space is the best thing. He will come around when he is ready.

You must live your life too. You can love him from a distance and wish him well. But you cannot force him to change his mind.

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I only hope you realize you cannot make pain better. That is the only way the pain can be carried and lessened by oneself. I think I might finally be on the right path to finding some support for myself. My story is quite long and involved but to shorten it a bit my grandson was brutally murdered 11 days after his first birthday. I stood next to my daughter when the lead detective told her the coroner had Trey and an autopsy would be performed.

I hear people talk about life being unfair and I keep my mouth shut. The accident has really hampered the case. So we sit and wait, and have for 2 and a half years and counting with no end in sight while they are free and living life. Some days I want to go on a kill or be killed rampage because of the amount of anger and rage I feel. Lots more and all of it horrible. Love to you all and thank you for taking the time to read my story. I also lost my grandson at 14 months old, I would love to talk to another grandmother and not feel ashamed of how i feel.

He was my only child. My world. My everything. I had just started dating a guy ive known all my life. He was the one who had to tell me. I couldnt function.

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I hid from everyone. My family. My best friends. I quit going places. If I had to go to the store it was at 2 am. I couldnt be alone because of the nightmares. I didnt know what to do.

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Jason was my supporter. My keeper. He helped me when he could. I started doing small things. Then I started freaking out. Lashing out.